An Inconvenient Truth

Written and presented by Dennis Hussey at 
Electric Toasters Club Contest (first place out of two)
Area C3 District 4 Humorous Speech Contest (first place out of three)
Division C District 4 Humorous Speech Contest, October 23, 2009.  (third place out of five).

Fellow Toastmasters, honored guests.  Does anybody here know the name Khalid Sheikh Mohammed? For those who don't, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was considered one of the masterminds of the 9/11 attacks, and after his capture he was, and I believe still is, being held at Guantanamo Bay. During his imprisonment, he was reportedly waterboarded 183 times.

When I heard about this, two things came to mind. The first thing is what is it like to have a job where you go to work so that you can see someone repeatedly say (take a sip of water and gargle) "I'm telling you that's all I know!"

The second thing is that while it is clear that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is a horrible man, and the world be a better place if he took things less seriously, one thing that I can say about him is that I am certain that he can keep a secret.

A secret is simply the act of withholding information. However, they clearly have a greater impact on human history besides being a plot device for bad situation comedies. A secret truly is an inconvenient truth.

Allow me to discuss for the next few minutes the different types of secrets, how people react to secrets, and maybe, just maybe, how you can keep a secret.

Types of Secrets

I view secrets in terms of who holds the information, and from whom is the information withheld. Therefore I separate them into three categories:

Personal secrets--A personal secret is information that one person withholds from the rest of the world. Everyone in this room has something about them that they choose not to broadcast. It may involve Las Vegas, or New Year's Eve, or red and blue flashing lights. Perhaps all three in one secret. Who knows. One thing I do know is that of all of the secrets, these are the kind that are best kept.

Secrets kept from one person--These secrets are when one or more people keep a secret from one person. They can lead to a Merry Christmas, when parents keep the secret of the Christmas gift from their child. Or they can lead to an un-merry divorce. When she found out about that New Year's Eve in Las Vegas with the red and blue flashing lights.

World secrets--Secrets where some people try to keep information from many people. Some people generally refer to governments, corporations, or private clubs, and the many people range from the competition to the entire world. What is astounding is the amount of resources and efforts the world governments, for example, will expend to keep, or find, these secrets.

For example, if the Allies couldn't keep a secret and Hitler knew we were coming from Normandy and not Calais, we would all be eating brats, drinking beer, and speaking German. Or, if the Rosenbergs could have kept a secret, the Russians may not have gotten the nuclear bomb, the Cold War wouldn't have happened, and we would be paying much less for Cuban cigars.

People's Reaction to Secrets

Again, I view there are two types of people with regards to how they respond to secrets. Those who can keep a secret, and those who can't.

Let's discuss those who can't keep a secret. Frankly, this is most of the world. When it comes to keeping secrets, you're all a bunch of miserable failures. Having a secret for most people is like having extra money, they need to show the world they have it by giving it away.

Then there are those who can keep a secret.  I like to refer to them as...friends.  That I can go to Vegas with on New Year's Eve, hopefully without the red and blue flashing lights.

So how can you tell when someone can keep a secret?

The most obvious way is give someone a secret and see if the information is returned to you through another person.  This can be dangerous.

A better way is to see how people respond when a secret is revealed in their presence.  If they don't react at all, or if they provide additional information, then the odds are good that they knew that information and kept it from you.  If your relationship with that person is good, they may be able to keep another secret at a later time.

How To Keep a Secret

So, how do my friends keep a secret?

First and foremost, Don't announce you have one!  Every time I hear, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I reply, "Yes, and I know now that you can't." It is much easier to hide something when nobody knows of it's existence.

Another idea, forget that you know it. This gets easier as you get older. But seriously, if you're not thinking about something, you're less likely to talk about it.  Put it out of your mind.

For secrets that people know that you know, and involve guesses, (for example, Christmas presents etc.) agree to whatever they guess.

"Daddy, am I getting a pony for Christmas?"
"Yes honey, you're getting a pony.  We'll keep it in your room."

For some reason it's harder to detect a false affirmation than a false denial.

For world secrets that people suspect exist, another tactic is to provide numerous conflicting pieces of information.  Everyone in the world knows that the CIA and FBI knew everything about the horrific  attacks of September 11th, but what they seem to forget is that they also knew everything about the horrific attacks of March 14th, April 27th, and September 12th.  It's much easier to hide a needle in a bunch of needles.

I've talked about the types of secrets, how people react to secrets, and how you can keep a secret.  Hopefully there is a little insight to remember from this missive, but perhaps it's too much to remember and you need a simple fallback.  In that case, I would recommend the words of Benjamin Franklin and the Golden Rule of Secrets.

"Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead."

Fellow Toastmasters, honored guests, thank you for your time.